Why am I that person. Why am I the person who lets others control how I feel. Today was a pretty crappy day and I know I could have changed it for myself if I could only get out of my own head. Today I made a mistake, not that I don’t make mistakes every day. Today, my mistake came to the attention of someone who mattered. It was not a big mistake. Matter of fact it was a spelling error. Stupid, silly, yes but a mistake none the less.
I admitted my carelessness and planned to move past it, but that was not going to happen before I was berated and verbally lashed. After the lashing I felt like crying, ok I did cry. I felt like I had let down my employer, my co-workers and others around me. I was a disgrace, an awful person. But wait… this was a spelling error that was easily corrected. No one died because I misspelled a word, no one lost their job, not one really even noticed. Here’s the kicker it was corrected. It was a mistake and it was corrected. Here I was in tears over a corrected spelling error. What the hell is wrong with me?
Then it hit me. The person giving me the dressing down I was letting her control how I felt. It should have been enough to acknowledge the error and accept my sincere apology but that was not enough. They felt I needed to be punished somehow. Punished over a spelling error? Well, since that was a bit extreme the closest thing they could find was to berate me. To say things that made me feel incompetent and stupid….and I let them. I let them make me feel like I was a useless idiot.
I knew rationally that they had made many of the same mistakes themself and was not faultless so why did I let them have the power over my feelings? Why did I let go of my rational self and let me emotional self take over. I knew what they were doing was wrong and was being done to make themselves feel more superior. I knew the error and berating did not change the person I am. It did not tarnish the good work I have done. It did not make me stupid or useless. Still I let these feelings in. I let this person’s words matter more than they should.
I so want to be one of those people that can let thier rational mind dictate the merits of a situation. I wish that I did not allow others cruel words to hurt me so much. I wish I could be stronger then I am. But even now I feel that persesant feeling that I must find a way to set it right. I’m giving these words power over me. In turn I feel powerless. I can not change this persons perception of me.
It probably has nothing to do with the person I am or the mistakes I have made. It is a deficency in themselves. That they can not treat another human being in a decent manner. They are unhappy and find happiness in bulling someone else. I know I can’t change any of these things about the other person. The only thing I can fix is me. Still I feel small, insignificant, stupid and useless. I know I gave someone else the power today and I’m mad at myself for it. I wish so much I we’re strong enough to let this go. Sorry for the rambling (and grammatical errors) I just needed to get this out. Thanks for listening.