It All Began With Self Doubt…One Year Ago

blogThis week marks my first anniversary in the blogging world. While my theme has changed, my platform is different and my focus has done a 360, the reasons I started to blog remain the same. I want to share my thoughts with like minded people.

This blog started as a way for me to have an outlet from the repressive 9-5 work I was doing. Before I started this blogging adventure, I felt like I was drowning, sinking deeper into the mire of my own self-pity. Doubting myself more and more as my torturous days at my job stretched on. The blog became therapy for me. It started off slow but soon became almost like a need. I could vent my frustrations, share my triumphs and help others learn along with me. I blogged everyday for almost a year, up until I moved platforms. Blogging became my constant companion.

You all have given my light when I felt dark, you have given me spirit when I felt immobile, you have helped me overcome disappointment and deal with frustration. I am forever grateful for this community and support I have been given and I look forward to the continued evolution of this blog. Thank you.

(Here is my first post)

self doubt

Here I stand on the end of the diving board, my toes hanging over  the edge. Looking down I see the serene, clear water below. I know in the water is where I should be, where I want to be. All I have to do is step forward. But I stand there, fearing the”what if’s,” motionless. Wanting to jump in, but too afraid to let go.

This is how I feel starting this blog. For months I had the idea, came up with a title, and made my About page. There I was all set to write the first post and I was to afraid to move forward. To scared to open myself up to criticism. To put myself, my “real” self, out there. My faults and needs, my wants and failures. My plan for this blog was to be an outlet for the words and feeling fighting for a place to go, but when the moment came I was so filled with self doubt, I did nothing

Since my idea for this blog was to chronicle my success and failures in my search for moderation, it is kind of funny that my first challenge was in just getting started. I have found it difficult to balance my self doubt with my want to get the words out of me. In this moment, I realize this balance thing is going to be a lot deeper than I thought. How do I not listen to the self doubt and fear? How do I not overdo doubting myself?

The really remarkable thing about this is that I discovered the opposing force to my self doubt. It was that  I really wanted to do this. I felt I have something to say and the worst that could happen is I learn how to swim. I made the choice. Either I am going to move forward or I will stay were I have been with no voice, no outlet. I decided not to turn around and leave the pool, but put on my floaties and jump in. Thank you for jumping in with me.

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